


Fight the Hurricane

by killaidanturner



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Pacific Rim Fusion, Character Death, Heavy Angst, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-25
Updated: 2016-01-25
Packaged: 2018-05-16 07:02:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5818723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/killaidanturner/pseuds/killaidanturner
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There’s a hole in Kili’s heart in the shape of an ‘X’, it marks the spot where Fili used to rest his head at night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fight the Hurricane

**Author's Note:**

  * For [girlmarvel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/girlmarvel/gifts).



> yo, I'm sorry. I blame this [fan art,](http://killaidanturner.tumblr.com/post/137998097934/receptionofsuperman-pacific-rim-au) I blame Erica, I blame the tragedy in general that is the Hobbit. I swore I could write this really tragic thing in under 3k so here it is(ok I went a tad over), mind the tags. Oh! Make sure you put on some music for this tragfest, I made a playlist in case if you're into that sort of thing, here [it is ](https://soundcloud.com/bellaautumn/sets/tragfest). Also I'm not 100% going into the mechanics of explaining the plot of pacific rim or the mechanics behind drifting, I'm gonna assume that everyone has seen the movie. This is a ficlet and not a full blown AU for a reason.

They say the world didn’t see the Kaijus coming because humans were too busy looking at the stars for answers when they should have been looking to the ocean.

 

* * *

 

Kili spent his childhood looking at the ocean, looking at his brothers eyes. He would take him to the coast, down to the pebble rocked beaches and compare shades of blue.

 

“Kaijus don’t scare me,” Kili would say to Fili, his small hand finding his brothers.

 

“Why not?” Fili would ask squeezing Kili’s hand.

 

“Because I have you.

 

* * *

 

The only way to be a Jaeger pilot was to find someone who could share the mental load, someone who could go into the other person’s memories and mind meld.

 

* * *

 

They went on to become a world renowned Jaeger duo. They were one of the best teams, stationed out in Anchorage, Alaska with seven Kaiju kills under their belt. No one had seen a team like them before, completely in sync. When the alarm sounded at two am they were geared and ready to go. Kili with a wicked grin and Fili watching his brothers every move.

 

“Ready to get our eighth kill?” Kili’s excitement radiated off of him in waves.

 

“Ready to have you between my thighs after.” Fili pulls Kili close to him, their lips touching.

 

“Ok, yeah let's get out there so we can get back.” Kili slaps his hands together as he tries to refocus.

 

Fili laughs as they climb inside the head of their Jaeger suit.

 

* * *

 

 “Establishing Pilot to Pilot Connection.”

 

“Neuro handshake.”

 

“Mind meld completed.”

 

Being inside Fili’s mind was similar to being inside his own. He remembers being in class and being told the deeper the bond, the deeper the connection, that’s what would make them better fighters. Kili knew he wouldn’t be nearly as good of a pilot without Fili. For this to work they needed each other.

 

He loved sharing memories, showing things to Fili from his own eyes, things that he thought he couldn’t say well enough on his own. They would watch the same scenes play out from each other's perspective.

 

“Behave.” Fili laughs through his pilot’s suit at Kili who is playing a memory of last night to him.

 

“Just giving you a preview of what is going to happen later.”

 

“You do know that everyone can hear us in the command center, right?”

 

“Fully aware.”

 

That was just a part of Kili’s charm, his unabashed personality.

 

The Jaeger departs from the base, walking out into the water to fight an incoming Kaiju from the Breach.

 

The Kaiju is a Class Four. Kili and Fili fight it with ease, their bodies moving in synchronization as they knock it out and lay it to rest among the ocean floor.

 

They don’t expect it coming back up above the surface, they don’t expect a claw cracking the helmet on the Jaeger suit. They don’t expect the right hemisphere to go offline, or the suit to be pushed underwater immobilized as the Kaiju heads to shore. They don’t expect the water filling the helmet of the suit.

 

“Fili!” Kili breaks away from his restraints. He tears his helmet off and swims over to Fili who can’t unlock his suit from it’s secured pilots spot. He treads the water rising around them as he tries to look at the damage that Fili has taken. The water is rising quickly, the crack in the Jaeger helmet breaking even more under the pressure of the water.

 

“Don’t you dare die in this Jaeger Kili. I promised everyone that we would do this together and that I would protect you. I want you out of here! Go!” Fili says it wish such resolve, as if he has accepted his fate already.

 

“Fee, please, I need you! I can get you out of here!” Kili works at the restrained on the Jaeger suit, tugging at the fried cables. He looks up into Fili’s suit, to look for the calm in his blue eyes only to see that his helmet is filling up with blood. For the first time Kili notices the swirls of blood, Fili bleeding comets into the water like some sick cosmic joke. One of the loose cables from the damage in the Jaeger head has impaled Fili, right under his ribcage.

 

The water continues to rise around them.

 

“Please Kili, I won't make it. You need to live, for me. Please do it for me, please.” Fili is whispering now, his bottom lip trembling and tears filling his eyes.

 

Kili grabs onto the sides of Fili’s helmet and rests his head against the glass. Fili leans forward and closes his eyes. “I love you Fee, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,”

 

“Hey, don’t, don’t. It was worth every moment that I had with you. I love you. Please get out of here Kili.” Fili’s voice breaks as he watches Kili’s red rimmed eyes. Kili leans forward, hitting the release on the side of Fili’s helmet. The shield slides up and he places one last kiss to Fili’s lips. He lingers there, memorizing the texture and how his lips always where, just a little bit rough. Kili breaks away with salt water tears falling into the water around them. He closes Fili’s helmet.

 

Kili wants to say something else but the water is up to his neck and Fili is shouting at him to leave and everything is becoming muffled except for the water filling his ears.

 

* * *

 

The waves break against Kili’s skin, he doesn’t know how long he swims for but eventually he reaches sand. Eventually he reaches land though it feels as if the world is still spinning.

 

* * *

 

When Kili wakes again he is in the medical room on base. He doesn’t speak. He refuses to look anyone in the eyes, wanting Fili’s eyes to be the last ones that he sees.

 

* * *

 

At night he dreams of seafoam, he dreams himself restless. He sleeps in a bed that belonged to the both of them, fragments of Fili still clinging to the sheets.

 

* * *

 

 There’s a hole in Kili’s heart in the shape of an ‘X’, it marks the spot where Fili used to rest his head at night.

 

* * *

 

 Every night Kili goes to the shore and speaks to the waves.

 

“I had a dream about you last night. It was a memory actually. The one where we woke up and kissed lazily. It was the first time I had spent the night in your bed like that. I remember you not wanting to kiss me, how you said it was important that we brushed our teeth. It wasn’t bad. I remembered I liked it. It was more stale than anything, but you somehow always managed to taste of salt. Even in my dreams you tasted like the waves.”

 

* * *

 

He curses the skies, the sun, the moon. He curses the shore, how it calls to the ocean and how the ocean is never able to break free from it. It curses the water for what it took from him. He curses everything he ever loved because he never loved anything the way he loved Fili.

 

* * *

 

"Fuck, Fee. I remember your voice. I remember how it sounded in the mornings, how you thought you sounded awful and would do ridiculous Yoda impressions because it was raspy enough. I remember how it sounded through the communicator, even with static clinging to it. I remember how you would walk a mile into town just to get me lunch from my favorite diner when I was hung over. I remember you waking up early to go work out and your stupid protein shakes. I remember how you held me, how your lips felt. I remember your fingers tracing 'I love you' on the back of my neck. I remember all of it."

 

The waves sing him a funeral hymn, grey colored as they break against the shore.

 

* * *

 

Two years pass before Kili steps foot onto base again. It is only a call from his uncle that pulls him out of his new life, one where he lives in resolve, works at the industrial factory that helps to create parts for the Jaeger suits. In his own way it's a reminder of what happened. He feels like he shouldn’t be allowed to live without thinking about Fili every day. At least this way his hands stay busy, his hands that were built for holding Fili.

 

“The Kaijus are getting stronger Kili, class five. You were one of the best pilots out there and we think we found a suitable match for you to drift with,” Thorin speaks gently as he tries to convince Kili to become a pilot once more.

 

“The last time I was in a suit the most important person in my life died. I’m not getting back in one.” Kili grits through his teeth.

 

“You know that your brother wouldn’t have wanted that for you. He would have wanted you to continue being a pilot.”

 

“Don’t sit here and try to tell me what Fili would have wanted, I know what he would have wanted and honestly I don’t deserve to be back in a Jaeger. I don’t deserve any of it. I deserve to be miserable, I deserve to miss him every single day of my life, every second. That's what I deserve.” Kili slams his fist on the table causing the mug that was sitting on the edge to go clattering to the floor.

 

“You deserve to be happy, that’s what Fili would have wanted.” Thorin takes note of Kili’s tired features, how one side of his face seems to look older than the other. Left Hemisphere. Right Hemisphere. Fili was the right, Kili the left. He notices that it the right side of his nephew that seems so vacant.

 

* * *

 

It takes another month and a breakdown to get Kili to agree to finding someone drift compatible. She comes to them with long red hair and a tight smile.

 

“Tauriel.” She extends her hand out to Kili.

 

“Kili.” He doesn’t take her hand.

 

“I heard what happened to your last partner and I’m so-”

 

“Yeah, well don’t be. And don’t worry, if anyone is gonna die in that suit it’s gonna be me.”

 

* * *

 

“I don’t think that he’s stable. I’m worried what going inside his mind will be like.” Tauriel looked at Thorin with a set jaw, her eyes firm as she hoped the General would listen.

 

“Kili is a lot stronger than he looks, and you’re trained in this Tauriel. Even if he goes into his mind you have the training to pull people out.”

 

“I’ve never seen a case like his. I’ve seen pilots lose their co-pilot but they were brothers, and I think they may have even been more than that. I’m worried for him Thorin. Not just from a professional viewpoint but he’s still a person, he’s your nephew.” Tauriel wasn’t one to go against her commanding officers but she couldn’t stop the twisting feeling in her gut every time she thought of Kili going back into the suit.

 

“I don’t want this for him Tauriel, don’t think for a moment that I would put him in a situation that I thought he couldn’t fight his way out of. He’ll make it, I know he will.”

 

* * *

 

“Establishing Pilot to Pilot Connection.”

 

Tauriel took in a shaking breath.

 

“Neuro handshake.”

 

Tauriel could already feels the waves of Kili’s mind crashing against her.

 

“Mind meld completed.”

 

Kili was already gone.

 

* * *

 

_“Fee! I’m flying!” Kili was on his stomach, arms outstretched as he rested on Fili’s feet. Fili laid on the ground with his legs in the air, moving his brother around as if he were an airplane._

 

_“You are flying!” Fili stretched out his legs as far as they would go, his arms out in front of him in case if Kili’s small frame would fall._

 

_“I’m a plane! Brrrrrrrrr.” Kili attempted to make little engine noises with his mouth. Fili laughed as Kili continued to blow air through his lips. He laughed until Kili fell off of his feet and right onto his chest. He continued laughing as Kili looked up at him with wide eyes._

 

_“You have a pretty smile Fee,” Kili whispered it as his small fingers reached up to touch his brothers lips._

 

_Fili stopped smiling to look down at Kili, Kili with his wide eyes filled with wonder. He pressed a kiss to each one of Kili’s fingertips._

 

_“Not as pretty as yours.” He said before tickling Kili until there were tears springing from his eyes._

 

* * *

 

  _"Do you think that planes miss flying?" Kili asked as he laid on the grass with Fili watching the clouds take on different shapes._

 

_"What do you mean?"_

 

_"When they aren't flying, do you think that they miss it?"_

 

_"I suppose its possible. What brought that on?"_

 

_"It's just, I miss you when you aren't around and one day we're gonna grow up and you're gonna go off and have a different life than me and I'm gonna miss you." Kili turned his face away from Fili, trying to conceal it among the tall grass._

 

_"Oh Kee, don't worry about stuff like that. I'll always be around." Fili pulled Kili close to him, until his brother's face was buried in the crook of his neck and he felt his silent shaking breaths stop._

 

* * *

 

“Kili, this is just a memory! It’s just a memory! You have to get out!”

 

* * *

 

_“I want to be a Jaeger pilot.” Kili was sixteen when he stated this to his family._

 

_“Kili, I don’t-” their mother was ready to talk about the dangers of being a pilot but Fili was already at Kili’s side._

 

_“I’m going to do it with him. He’ll have me and I’ll keep an eye on him. I’m certain we’re drift compatible.” Fili smiled down at Kili who was still shorter than him at the time. Kili remembers Fili’s smile exactly as it was that day, wide and filled with promises._

 

* * *

“Kili!” Tauriel shouts inside of her suit. Sirens go off around the base, sparks flying off of the Jaeger. Kili was sending the whole mecha into a complete meltdown. Her heart ached as she watched his descent, she wasn’t getting through, not with Kili’s far off eyes.

 

* * *

 

_“Fee, I need to tell you something before we go into training. I’ve read up a lot about mind melding, I know that you have to be in the other person's head and I want you to find out from me.” Kili put on a weak smile but his eyes burned bright._

 

_“What is it Kee?”_

 

_“I love you, and I don’t want you to say something like I’m suppose to cause we’re family. I mean, I’m in love with you. I think I always have been. It’s always been you Fee, always. It doesn’t have to change anything between us but I want you to know, and if you don’t want to drift with me after this then I would rather it end before training starts so I don’t know what I’m missing out on.”_

 

_Fili looked at Kili with his mouth slightly parted. He had been hoping for years that Kili would say something, wishing beyond anything that his brother had feelings for him as well though he would never be the one to say it first. He never wanted to risk putting an idea in Kili’s head._

 

_He moves quickly, grabbing Kili by his belt loops and pulling him close. He looks into Kili’s eyes, their exhales mingling together before he presses their lips. His lips could be softer but they’re chapped from the ocean water, from their days spent on England’s coastline. Kili thinks he likes the texture of Fili’s lips, a little rough and heated. Fili pulls back, resting their foreheads together, “I’ve always loved you, from the moment you came into my life.”_

 

_This smile was important to Kili, it was filled with such hope for them both. He thought it was so bright that it could dim the sun._

 

_Fili was the first and last person he ever kissed and the weight of it comes crashing down on him._

 

* * *

_“God, I need you Fee, I need you.” Kili panted against Fili’s lips. It was their first time after being inside the Jaeger, their first fight. Kili was wired from seeing Fili’s memories, for being inside his mind and seeing how much his brother loved him._

 

_He tore at Fili’s clothes as Fili bit Kili’s bottom lip and pushed his thighs apart with his leg. He thrust his hips against Kili, feeling the friction between them._

 

_Fili’s gasps harmonized with Kili’s heartbeats, their own bedroom symphony._

 

* * *

“Kili! If you don’t break the mind meld you may not come out of this!” Thorin’s voice booms over the intercom as the technicians try to force the Jaeger suit down.

 

* * *

_“Sometimes when I’m in the suit I feel powerful with you next to me. I feel like I can fight things that are created by God. It feels like fighting a hurricane.” Kili whispered against Fili’s skin one night in their bed after a Kaiju kill._

 

_Fili pressed his lips to Kili’s forehead. “You always make me feel like I’m bigger than what I really am.”_

 

_“Is that a good thing?” Kili asked looking up into Fili’s deep blue eyes._

 

_Fili smiled down at him, a small laugh escaping his lips. “Yeah it is. I feel it more so afterwards, when it's all over with and we’re both still high off of adrenaline and the mind meld. I feel it most when your lips are pressed to mine.”_

 

* * *

_“Hey, don’t, don’t. It was worth every moment that I had with you. I love you. Please get out of here Kili.”_

 

* * *

Kili rips off his helmet, his body gasping for air. His hands shake and his knees tremble.

 

* * *

 

Only the sea understands the way his heart and bones ache.

 

* * *

 

The waves lap against his skin, break against his knees and push him back. The sea whispers to him to return to shore, the waves a sign that they do not want him here.

 

He moves forward, the ventricles in his heart already carved out.

 

He pushes forward, his body fighting the water, fighting the tide, the waves, the hurricane. He swims, broken shuddering gasps for air. He swims until his arms tire. He swims to the place that the suit fell, to the place off of the shore where Fili was taken from him. He swims until the waves are too much and they push him under, until salt water fills his lungs and he can no longer fight.

 

He thinks that beneath the water he will find Fili. Fili looking at him with that smile of his that says he’s never seen the sun shine as brightly as them.

 

The sea has changed it’s mind, it’s waves scream Kili’s name. The waves reach for him the way he used to reach for Fili, with arms outstretched.

 

* * *

 

“I don’t understand what happened. He was stronger than that, I know he was.” Thorin is adamant as he sits in Dis’ house, her eyes hollow and filled with tears. His hands hold a cup of coffee, cold and untouched.

 

Tauriel sits across from them. “It wasn’t about being strong. I think what he did was brave in his own way. He thought what he was doing what right.”

 

“Why though? Why would he do that? You were there in his memories, what pushed him over the edge? I know he loved Fili, but I didn’t think it would break him like this.” Dis looks to her for answers about her sons.

 

“Because it was real, everything he felt for Fili was real and Fili felt it for him as well, and every day after that for him was like fighting a hurricane.”

 


End file.
